Don't Say You Love Me
by plentysaid
Summary: You don't have to say you love me. Spencer wants someone he can't have, but what happens when his unrequited love becomes... Requited. Rated M. WARNING: CHARACTER DEATH
1. Chapter 1

_A/N: This is a short-chaptered fic. I have tried to make the chapters a tad longer than they are, but they aren't too long. The story itself, I feel needs to be this short. Reid/Hotch. Rated M for events to happen later on in the story. _

I don't think I need to hear you say you love me, I really don't. The need that I want from you is unbearable though. I know that you want me. I can feel it. Every time I pass you, I see that hint of lust in your eyes. It's a shame that's all I'll ever see. You can't love me, it's forbidden and my love, I know, oh, I know how deeply unrequited it is. Someone like you wouldn't love someone like me.

It doesn't matter if it was for one night only that you wanted me or a fumble around in the supply closet. Lust is always evident in your eyes. Every time you look at me and every time you pull me aside, listen to my theories when we're out in the field, I see it. I see that you want me. Need me even. But that need is not as strong as the need I have for you.

That's all I am to you. A need when you are sat alone at night, urgency, an escape. I'm a piece of meat to you, but that's okay. Those looks, that smile, the way you bite your lip when my trousers are excruciatingly tight, the subtle way you lick your lips when you've seen me in the shower room, pulling on a fresh shirt, when it's tight, when my chest is wet.

Don't say you love me; it'll only hurt me more than loving you does.


	2. Chapter 2

_This chapter is a little longer! It has man on man action in. Hope you enjoy!_

One day you call me to your office, away from the pile of reports that I have on my desk, I sit on your desk, my legs spread, trying to tease you. I want you badly and you want me, you whimper, the door locks, the blind is pulled down, you pull me up and press me against the wall, you move back a few paces. I look up at you, biting my lip, seductively, I run my hand down my body. I can see it in your eyes that you want a show – a show is what I'll give you, my hand runs down to my trousers – red, tight, I know these are your favourite, I palm myself, biting my lip, you stalk forward, pulling my hands above my head, holding them there, you kiss down my neck, sucking over the spot that makes my knees fail me. I whimper, wanting to know how you knew what I liked, I rock against you, your hips and torso pressed hard against me, restraining me. You nip at my shoulder blade, a hand trailing down to undo my shirt, one hand holding my hands together tightly. I can feel how hard you are against me. I let out a quiet moan to let you know how you are making me feel – though, you can probably feel it.

Even if I wanted to pull away and say no, I couldn't. I couldn't speak, your hand trailed my bony chest, I wasn't defined – not as defined as you thought I would be. I'd imagined how defined you were, at nights, when I couldn't sleep, I would think of you, pretend to know what you were doing.

Your hands unbuckle my belt, softly pushing my trousers down, you eye me up through my boxers and without a word they are down too. I bite my lip, unsure of what was to happen now. I was naked in front of you, your eyes roaming my body, making me harder just by looking at me. You notice, of course you do and you smirk. You turn me around, your hands on my ass, moving to my hips, holding me tight, you sink to your knees, I bite my lip.

All thoughts and coherent words leave my mind as your tongue darts out against my hole. I moan loudly, rocking back against you as much as I can with your hands tightly on my hips, you dig your nails into me, telling me to be quiet – there are still people in the office, and they all like to gossip, I moan quieter in response and you chuckle. It feels so fucking good that I can't breathe. You push your tongue in and out slowly, I don't know how long for, but it feels so amazing all the same.

I'm leaking; I'm painfully hard against my stomach, you still have me pressed hard against the wall, moaning loudly, I need release. Your tongue moves away, you push a finger in me slowly, I scream out in pain, you stop and move away, I whimper, you walk away from me, I want to turn and see where you have gone, I don't trust myself to turn though.

You come back a minute later, kissing along my shoulders, whispering that you were sorry, I was tighter than you expected. You fall back to your knees, pushing your finger in again slowly, it's easier this time, your fingers are wet, slick: lube. I tense as you push your fingers in deeper, biting my lip hard as you add a second finger, twisting them slowly, so good, I whisper, rolling my hips back ever so slowly. You try to keep my hips still, adding in a third finger, you whisper for me to be patient because you don't want to hurt me. I try to take your hand, you're too busy though. You tell me we can stop at any time. I nod, I don't want to. Every inch of me is burning with desire, the pain that was filling me before is slowly leaving my body. You say you are going to take care of me – I believe you, why shouldn't I? You've always taken care of me – this is just another way that you are, this time, we're both getting something we need, something that we desire.

There's emptiness when you pull your fingers away, I want to tell you more, I don't think I can get any words to form though. You rub your fingers over my hips softly, telling me you'll try not to hurt me, telling me to relax. I try so very hard to do as you ask. My body tenses up as I feel you push against my hole, I whimper, biting down on my lip, it hurts, it really hurts. I want you to stop. You keep still for a moment or two before pushing in again slowly, the pain is so much I don't think I can handle anymore. You wait a little while longer before pushing your hips in and out slowly, your arms wrapped around me, one crossing over my chest to hold onto my shoulder, I place my hand on yours, pushing back against you, my head resting on your shoulder, you kiss and suck my earlobe, I whimper, pushing back against you more, you rock your hips.

We both release simultaneously, you clean your hand with some wet wipes that you keep in your go-bag, you clean me up and re-dress me, my body is trembling too much to help do anything. My legs are wobbling, you wrap your arms around me tightly, your hand knotting through my hair, I rest against your chest, sighing tiredly. You undo your blinds, looking out, there's no one in the bull-pen. You lead me down, pick my bag up; throw it over your shoulder. You ask if I want to go to yours and get some sleep. I nod, you look around before I feel you tenderly kiss me on the forehead, I hold you tight, my body returning to loving you instead of the lust I feel.

You drive to your apartment quickly, my eyes dropping all the way there. The car stops and I feel your eyes on me, I feel a smile creep on my face as I turn to look at you. You look nervous, pulling me out of the car and up to your apartment, my arms wrap around you tightly, resting against your shoulder. Almost sleeping, I hold onto you tightly, my eye drifting off, flickering, and trying to stay awake. The last thing I see is your beautiful eyes, staring down at my face with something akin to love in them. Something that I don't think is love.

There's emptiness next to me when I wake up, I wipe my tired eyes, looking around the strange room, your bedroom. It was typically you, mainly white, with black patterns on the wall. Simplistic. A photo of you and Jack on the bedside table and a piece of canvas art. I get out of the bed slowly, looking around, you've changed my clothes, I'm in a baggy shirt, and it smells like you. It makes my heart hurt even more than it has done before. A pair of boxers that I can only know are yours, hanging off my hips. I open the door slowly, looking at the other doors, trying to detect where you are. I hear a sound coming from a door near the entrance - I follow it. There you are. Sitting with a book in your hand. I hesitantly tap you on your shoulder, you look up, smiling a smile I have never seen on your face, I would love to see it more. You never smile, our lives are filled with so much misery that it's rare we can ever be happy.

We speak a soft conversation before moving into the living room, I sit on your sofa, my legs crossed, I look up at you shyly, not knowing what to do. You smile, put on a film and sit next to me, using it as background noise, your arm over the sofa, I rest against it then I feel you move it, you turn it to play with my hair, it was slow, it felt so nice – better than anything I had imagined. I had imagined a lot with you, I blush thinking about that. You look at me inquisitively, brushing your thumb over my cheeks, I can feel my cheeks getting hotter, you smile, turning to the television for no longer than a few seconds before turning back and asking me about my day. Well, my day before your called me up to your office. I shrugged and told you the honest truth; it was always something you seemed to get me to do was tell you the truth. I would tell you anything about me if you were to ask.

You kiss my forehead, I feel the urge to pull you closer to me and kiss you on the lips, instead I kiss you square on the jaw, pulling away before you said anything or moved. You frown – you look so beautiful like that, you're always beautiful. You always have a serious look on your face, and I know it's to protect yourself from everything we see. You pull me closer, your lips tenderly press against mine. It's softer than anything I could have dreamed, my arms lock around your neck, smiling against your precious lips. I feel the way your lips turn into a small smile as you kiss me slowly, longingly – you can probably feel the need on my lips. I hope you do, then again, I don't. I know you know that I have wanted you for as long as I started working for you – I think everyone knows that though. No one notices me yet everyone knows it's you I think about.

Instinctively, I fall into your lap, wrapping my arms around your neck, my fingers curling the back of your hair, your lips – god your lips, I'm getting addicted. Only this time, it's something that isn't going to be as debilitating as what I was addicted to before. I sigh against them, you suck my bottom lip softly, a whimper slips from me, holding you tighter, hands on my hips, you push me back on the sofa, your hot body looming over me. I can feel the heat coming off you, you pull away, looking at me, your eyes staring deep in mine, you kiss me softly, whisper that we shouldn't. I nod, I know what we are doing is wrong. I know we shouldn't be, but I never want to stop.

That evening, until we parted, was spent in your arms, lips pressed against lips. It was needy – beautiful. You offered to drive me home; I had to turn you down. It was late. You looked tired. You fought with me to take the lift and sighing, I complied. You're ever so insistent and I can never say no. You pulled up right up at my doorstep, I rolled my eyes, giggling; a chaste kiss pressed against your lips.

You stayed until I was safely inside. The car revved and left. I felt empty again. I'd never known pain like this – of course, by this, I had. But it was lessened because I wasn't emotionally attached to you. Now though, I was.

The house was quiet. It was cold, felt more lonely after spending the time with you. I wanted to feel your touch once more.

I sat in the shower for what felt like hours, tracing every inch of myself where you had touched – kissed. You made me feel so beautiful in an evening than I had ever felt in my entire life. I replayed everything that happened in my mind as I lay my head on my pillow, it felt weird. I longed for it to be your chest.

Tossing and turning, no matter what I tried, I couldn't get to sleep. I stilled myself, trying to imagine what you looked like when you slept. I imagined you in a plain white tee, some pyjama bottoms, something that made you look adorable, I bet. Your hair scruffy. Did you curl up in a ball or spread out in the bed? Were you a light sleeper or a heavy sleeper? And, if I was in your bed, would you have wrapped your arms around me? Or would we have spooned? Would you have allowed me to lie on your chest until I fall asleep, listening to the rhythmic beats of your heart? Our legs tangling together along with the cool sheets draped across our waists, I'd be in a pair of your boxers. I'm still wearing your top and boxers from earlier. Your scent surrounding me, all I breathe is you – all I can feel is you. You've intoxicated me. I love this. It's you and no one else. On anyone else it would smell wrong. I curl around my pillow, imagining it was you. I just hope my dreams are as good as what I'm feeling at the moment...


	3. Chapter 3

For a while, whilst getting ready to endure another day, wondering what would be thrown our way – what horrors we would be faced with. Would it be a murder, rape, kidnapping? I didn't know. We never could see what was coming around the next corner. I thought that it was all just a dream. I wasn't sure, I'm still not today. Then I remember that I am wearing your t-shirt and the smile floods back on my face. I feel like a giddy teenager – I never got to experience that, but I had always wanted to.

I arrive earlier than I normally do. I hope to catch you before and – thank you? I'm not too sure what I am going to do when I see you. Smile; pretend it never happened, even though my insides are screaming out loud that it was the best night I have ever had and that I want it to happen again. You made me so happy.

My bag was heavy, I had too many reports in there, I put most of them on my desk, trying to reorganise them into what was the most important to finish first. On my computer was an envelope, your handwriting on the front, inside, was a note from you. I frown, my heart fluttered, reading it over and over again. Come to your office when I get in. I suck my lip, moving towards your office, I knock hesitantly, you pull me in straight away, looking me up and down, you sigh, guilt fills you face, looking down, I know that this was a mistake and you were going to tell me that we shouldn't have.

You didn't. Instead, you pulled me into your arms, hugged me tight before letting me go. You utter that it was the best night of your life – just us, holding one another, kissing. I sigh, my lips curving, I want to hug you again, but I know I should keep my distance. There's something though, you'd never say, imprinted on your face, in your eyes. I want to stay in your office for the rest of the day, bask in your presence, but I can't. You're busy and so am I. You utter that you were restless last night, that after you dropped me off and retired to your bed, you couldn't get back to sleep. I watched your face more. You're so beautiful. I want to see – know why you see me the way you do. You make everything seem better.

We spoke. That's all; I sat cross-legged, writing a report, watching you write your own reports. You looked at the time and sighed, you had a meeting with Chief Strauss, you had been requested to do a prison interview on your own. With a wink, a blush from me, we parted.

I never did see you later...


	4. Chapter 4

_WARNING: CHARACTER DEATH AND MENTIONS OF SELF-HARM/SUICIDE. _

_Thank you to everyone that has read and reviewed/favourited/followed this story. _

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Nothing made sense after you... I couldn't breathe, everything felt cold, so cold. It hurt, to walk around after. My body was crippled under sadness. Every time I saw someone – something that reminded me of you. Every time I looked up at your office – it wasn't yours anymore though, was it? At the moment, it was a shrine to you. I felt like there was a light – warmth around me, it was soon outlived. I didn't have anything of yours, not really. A t-shirt and a pair of boxers that lost that You feeling after I had curled up with them every day and every night.

People grieved, it was inevitable, you were such a great man, your smile, though it was shown rarely, it was one of your key features, everything. It was – hard. To try and pretend that there was nothing when I saw people speaking about you, heard their words of how amazing you were and I know. I know what you were like. I know how you could treat me with such kindness, made me feel wanted rather than awkward.

I'd give anything for another taste of your lips. For your touch to linger in more than just my memory. Your smile, I've taken pictures from your office, a picture of you and the team. Some in my own personal collection that were taken on the very few days we all had on training days, on courses. One of you at the shooting range. You're looking at me, and that look – that lust is visible behind your eyes. I keep that beside my bed. One of you running, coming along the finish line, a grin on your face, I keep it under my pillow. I need to keep you close to me. In all of the pictures, you manage to stay beautiful throughout the years.

What I wouldn't give, I was infatuated, in love; those words are just a fond memory of what once was.

Things are going to change, I whisper to myself.

For this, it'll be my last night with the pain hanging over me, consuming me. With you hurting me. I could deal with the pain and heart break before, but not now. The pain is more desperate than when I craved dilaudid. I crave you so much – terribly, and I can't get to you.

Not when it would only take one thing for everything to get better. The one thing I need is you. I dress myself in your t-shirt and boxers once more, grab what I need.

My dearest Aaron Hotchner, I'll be in your arms once again – and this time... Forever.


End file.
